Anxiety and the shit in my life…

Wow! It’s been so long since I last posted…

What’s happened, well, I’ve moved my other two giant babies (horses) closer to home, they’re literally ten minutes away YAY!

It’s so nerve racking though, as a sufferer of paranoia, and anxiety, and just general lack of social skills at all. I find things extremely difficult. I don’t tell the people in my non-virtual life as I’ve always been one to try and hide things. I always tell myself “There’s someone who’s having a more shite time than you…so wo-man up” but you know what, there might well be, but if people really knew the shit going on in my life, they might be more understanding. I’ve always believed I’m the one who will ALWAYS listen, and console others. Sometimes-especially lately. it’s been ridiculously difficult.

Let me explain more-Life story ahead:

Since I was 4 years old I’ve been bullied. yup, I remember sitting in reception class (kindergarten) and being bullied, I told the teacher, whom I was trying to listen to! they just told me to be quiet…since then I’ve shut up and put up. It carried on, all through primary, I even moved schools. It got worse… There was this one boy, who bullied me from the age of 7 until 16… I mean seriously??

My dad left us when I was 7, he cheated with 2 other women, he cheated on the woman he was cheating with…. if that makes sense! My mother was in hospital, and he decided to give me a kiss goodnight, and LEAVE me in a house, on  my own…on an estate…seriously???

Mum had to leave hospital and come home to a mess, he drained the bank account, took the car, and food. She had a 7 year old with no car, no money and no food. Thankfully she had a good job!

At secondary school the bullying was horrific. I got into so many fights, when I didn’t want to. I would always stand up for myself. In the end I had enough, and just didn’t react. I was depressed, I hated it. I had the few close friends, that was all I needed. Though now we don’t even communicate-go figure.

I failed my GCSEs in Maths and Science. let me explain… during my maths exam, I had a bully behind me, they wouldn’t stop kicking me!! I even managed to take their shoe off them… It really really wound me up.

I still went to college, and retook my exams. I got an A in Physics  💪. But the bullying didn’t stop at college…I was called a Lesbian (I wasn’t) I was followed on the way to the bus stop, people on the bus bullied me, this was a public bus btw, was my only way home! I lived 50 minutes by bus away from the college. It was horrible. I had the image of college being an adult environment. It wasn’t, it was just like school.

So I got my A levels, I was going to university yay. My love for my pets kept me home and I travelled in each day. Was the best decision I made because, you got it. I was bullied at uni, not just in person. but online too. The world had discovered the ease of cyberbullying wooo ☹️ Travelling home was my way of escaping.

The uni years were the worst of my life. I wish I never went. I wasted so much money, wasted 4 years. I self harmed. thats the lowest I ever got. I took a year out as I had surgery, I grew up a lot during that year, I realised that certain people weren’t my friends, how better i was without those people in my life. I was on Anti-depressants for two years, I finished  Uni, decided f*ck this I don’t need tablets!

I cut ties with everyone, I didn’t want to remember university. I spent 4 months trying to apply for jobs that were linked to my degree (forensics) I couldn’t get anything. My anxiety tortured me, my paranoia hated me. I was fat, I weighed a humungous 18st.

In those 4 months, I managed to lose 1st, I was still depressed. I started to write while working as a cleaner and pretending to look for jobs. Im one who lets their imagination soar. who lets reality disappear into a void and lives in the world I create. I’m happiest here.  I went to my first Comic con in that November. Was amazing, I was this random person that no-one took a second look at, no-one bullied. No-one cared what I looked like.  I was home.

I joined Slimming World in Jan ’15. The best decision I could’ve made. I was making my Loki costume at the same time, that was my motivation. my confidence soared, my depression disappeared. I mean yes, I was in debt, LOTS of debt, but that didn’t stop me being HAPPY.  By May I had lost 3stone AMAZING. I even done the mascaraed with my very first Cosplay costume. There was a lot of errors with it. but I was proud. My paranoia got the better of me though. I was so sure I heard someone call me a name. The lady said ‘I’m so sorry I don’t know who that was’ that just clarified it for me. That’s when, things started to go sour.

I carried on at slimming world but I wasn’t happy, wasn’t happy with me, my life or who I had become. I was a no-body. I didn’t have the confidence to carry on writing, I tried so hard to carry on. I made another costume (Rapunzel) but I felt shit. I was still fat. By December ’15 I got my 5stone award. 5stone!!! lets move to 2016 now…

oh boy, 2016. this year was the worst I have ever experienced.

February ’16:

I had a meltdown, I was supposed to go to my friends birthday, a year later and I still feel awful that I missed it. I was so excited, so happy to be going. I was at work, getting changed. I just, just broke. I had a major meltdown and couldn’t cope. I cried for a whole hour. I text her, and my anxiety was making me shake, she didn’t understand at the time because I was so excited. But I couldn’t explain the meltdown, not on her birthday. I felt well and truly awful. I avoided all contact with anyone for a few weeks cause I just felt ashamed. Mum wanted me to go doctors but I said no. I should’ve gone.

I didn’t make any costumes, I didn’t cosplay, I did nothing that year. Oh wait. I GAINED the WHOLE 5st I LOST in 6 months…seriously???? oh lets be honest, I gained MORE than 5st -.-

Here we go, the tough part.

My step-dad is an Alcoholic, it took him 10 years to admit it and seek help. Lets explain what happened:

September: his alcohol abuse got to much for me, the abuse that came with it got to much. I had a major, extreme breakdown that I sat in a coldish bath in the dark with a candle on. crying. I’ve never done this before. I cried in the bath. I didn’t even have a bath, I couldn’t concentrate. My mind wasn’t working, I could hear them arguing outside. his abusive mouth calling every name under the sun. I just couldn’t cope. I got out, mum realised how bad I was, so we packed a bag, got the dogs and went to the caravan at 10pm at night. I didn’t even dry myself. I sat in the car with soaking wet hair. crying.

I was numb for a whole week. I hated everything. mainly myself for being so weak. I was so scared of going back home, but we had to. we had work and cats, and a horse. I went to the doctors, told them everything. was put on Sertaline- The worse tablets out there! My paranoia hit the roof, I thought while I was at work, he was going to kill the dogs and burn the house down. wtf…he loves them more than us, he wouldn’t do that.

October: 

Oh boy… this couldn’t have got worse. The twat that is my stepdad left for work. We thought right bed time as per norm.

11pm there was banging on the back window. dogs were going mental, we thought someone was trying to break in.

It was IT.

The wanker was steaming drunk. HE DROVE DRUNK. He hadn’t been to work, he hit a bollard with the car. I was so mad I could’ve committed murder there and then, he could’ve killed someone. We called the police, they came and got him. they let him out the next day, but because they gave him his alcohol back (seriously??) he came home drunk. we called them back saying we don’t want him. Then they come back out and tell us he TRIED-failed to commit suicide. That’s when it all started to fall apart. He didn’t just try once, he tried twice. When he sobered up, he finally FINALLY admitted he has a problem. He went for help, he spoke to doctors, spoke to counsellors and started the process.

But it was easier for him than us. He couldn’t work, he had to be put on the sick. Wow…£300 a month. I had to up my hours so much, had to stop all the things I  love. it was mine and mums wages that were paying the bills. I was out of debt, now straight back into it. Christmas was coming up, we couldn’t do it. I said just sod christmas, who cares about gifts.

We managed to do it. I was still fuming with him, I still am. He had lots of medical exams with no results. Until

Jan ’17:

I was determined to make this year my year, determined to get off Sertaline, I started meditating. It helped so much! I realised Sertraline wasn’t working anymore. so I immediately stopped them (Do not try this at home) Oh boy, the side effects were awful, 3 thats THREE weeks of feeling like I’m gonna pass out, feeling so ill and dizzy argh. things got worse in terms of family life. His medical results came back, he’s basically dying. He has severe cirrhosis of the liver, cysts on his kidneys, enlarged spleen, and Alcohol related Hep-C (gross)

I know it’s bad-but, I keep saying it’s all self inflicted. I feel guilty because I never wish death on anyone. But, after 10 years of hell, Karma has fought back.

 

April ’17: 

It’s been a few months, things are finally settling down financially and sometimes emotionally. I rejoined Slimming world, I hated that I gained all the weight back, hated I was this unfit fat blob. I said “all I can do is try” I walked through that door, and because I’ve been a member before I could just restart without sitting through the new members talk. “This is it” “I WILL do this, this is the last and final time”. “I can do it”. I should say WE can do this as my mum comes with me. It’s harder for her though, she gets very emotional, very stressed, and eats. We all do!  His health wasn’t getting any better, but we were given a date for rehab. Woo 🎉 two weeks of peace. Trust me, we need it.

We all decided to go caravan. that was the worst decision ever, he ruined it for me. His mood swings were bloody awful. I got so low, I wanted to leave, I wanted to go home. for my own space. For PEACE and QUIET. Karma yet again struck, when it came to going home, he was puking all the way, to the point because of his illnesses he had to go to the walk in clinic.

It was week 3 of Sliming world, when I weighed in I gained a colossal 6lbs …WHUT HOW COULD I HAVE ATE 6LBS WORTH OF FAT

I was so mad…I was determined to get that plus more off next time. I had mother nature knock at the door later that evening, so it kinda justified it a bit LOL

May:

Hmm, Is this month any better? Well, I think so. Things are extremely settled now, I have more finances coming in Woohoo. He is still severely ill, I mean we found out they’re not cysts but Tumours on his kidneys :/ I’m trying not to be a vicious cow and say serves you right but it’s hard sometimes. He also has Bipolar. Which is SUPER HARD. He can’t have tablets to control it due to his alcoholism. I want to go to therapy but my anxiety stops me go figure hey… lol

I went to the doctors because I’m suffering, Im in pain everyday, can barely walk 5 minutes without crying in pain. They suspect Fibromyalgia or Arthritis. ARTHRITIS I’m not even 30 ffs!

I’ve made it to week 4 of Slimming World, I lost an AMAZING 7lbs WOOOHOOO that’s that gain gone plus 1 😀

 

So, that’s it so far. I have loads of motivation to write, sew, whatever. I just don’t have energy.

 

 

I post here cause I find it hard to speak to my friends, especially when they’re going through shit themselves. I feel like I shouldn’t burden them, so I try not to. sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t!

 

Wow, this is a super long post >.<


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