A rough day in the Mental Health land …

While I said in the previous ‘life story’ post: I don’t like to broadcast my problems. It left me wondering why the hell not? 

I felt better after typing everything out, it made me feel good to express some of the anger I had held onto for so long. Some of the paranoia and the anxiety which controls my life
. Later that evening I felt much better, the next day…I even got some writing done! I was feeling good. Feeling relaxed and chilled. 
Until…I went to work the day after (Tuesday) 

By Lucifer (don’t ask, I can’t help that he’s damn sexy 😍) that was a bad decision.

Let me explain a bit further, my mum is the ‘boss’ of our team, there’s a supervisor (my boss) but lower than mum, and she’s a complete incompetent cow. Trust me when I say cow. She argues with everyone, swears, bitches, she’s just a horrible person to be around! Mums always carrying her weight as well as her own work. The managers of mums level (gets confusing don’t it!) anyway, the managers are getting irritated with her too. 

So this week, mums off ill with the flu, meaning this “supervisor” has to actually do work and deal with shit herself. Oh boy, is that failing 😂

This picture basically sums up work life…
So, ofstead were visiting today-not even for an inspection but for training! And everyone is all up in the air. Lots of jobs to do etc. This individual could not cope! She could not cope with mum being off ill.

Her stress levels were high, very high…there’s two premises we work at. One of them I had enough. I just couldn’t do it anymore. My mind would NOT let me do it. With mum being off I thought it would be nice to help out, so I went to the other premises for ONE day…now, the supervisor doesn’t have a car (wtf) I said ‘ok I’ll give you a lift’

So I’m at work cleaning right, and I’m alone cause bitch doesn’t get there till 5 minutes before leaving…I go to empty the kitchen bin and the twats that work there OBVIOUSLY have no respect for me, not just as a scrubber but no respect as a human being.

THEY ONLY WENT AND PUT 16pints OF FROZEN MILK IN THE BIN!!! Seriously?!?!?!?! They never even had the audacity to tell me! So I went, bent over, pulled the bag up, and almost broke my back. No jokes, the bag was that heavy it pulled me back down!! 

So bitch finally comes in, I say “I AM NOT TAKING THAT BAG TO THE BIN” which may I add is a 5 minute walk outside and round the building…she asks why, I explain they’ve put milk in there (I didn’t know it was frozen) 

She tuts and says just empty in the sink…EXCUSE ME I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO BE DOING but I smiled and said “I am NOT crawling through the bin, why don’t you do it” 

Oh…wish I never said that.

She does, when she realises the milk is frozen–all hell came out. For me anyway, remember anxiety, paranoia…nerves…

There’s still workers there, high level workers but not as high as the managers…and she…she starts f’ing and blinding!! So loud, with all the doors open the workers HAD to have heard her!! 

I was so shocked, so embarrassed, she was calling people “fucking bastards, why the fuck would you do this, fucking dick heads” my paranoia hit me, I instantly thought “oh my god…they’re going to think that’s me!!” 

So I sheepishly walked to the front while she was still shouting and swearing. I kept myself busy. I had enough, I didn’t want to be there anymore. The can’t be arsed mode came into place.
On the way to the bin (no milk included) I broke the news to her that I’m not doing this again, find someone else to clean this premises (the managers already knew-remember I was being nice ❤️)

Her face dropped. I instantly felt ‘ffs grow up’ the first thing she said “how am I going to get here…husband doesn’t finish till 5.15”

I just shrugged, I’d had enough of her, her attitude and the way she treated me.

Back at the normal work place I managed to avoid her. But poor mum never. My mother who is off work ill…had to endure a 30 minute phone call of bitch ranting and raving…mum didn’t get a word in edge ways! 

That pissed mum off big time. To the point she emailed the managers and asked them to try and stop her ringing while mums off again. 
So let’s move to today. From the minute I woke up my mind hasn’t been great. I feel drained, exhausted, nervous, paranoid. To top it off, my allergies have been through the roof! As I lie here I’ve got the air purifier on (cost a bomb btw) And I’m trying to do the therapy which is blogging…

As someone who SHOULD be on anti-depressants, today has been one of those days that I wish I took tablets, the tablets that always turn me into a zombie. I hate taking tablets. The tablets which were so toxic to my body, I was dizzy, sick and just could not focus. 

The doctors have offered me therapy. But erm, hello??? Anxiety? Nerves? Do they really think I’m ‘strong’ enough or even motivated to do that. 

No. I don’t think I am…

Today, I have consumed too much chocolate. As I am in this vicious circle of ‘feeling low>eat chocolate…eating chocolate>feeling guilty, disgusted, low, miserable>let’s eat more chocolate’ I was aiming for a 4lb loss, now I’m aiming for a maintain 😣

All I can do is go to sleep (if the allergies will let me) and hope that tomorrow is a better day. A day that I might actually have energy to do things, a day I might actually complete items on my ‘to do list’ 

One can only hope 😣

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